In recent months, a number of celebrities — including comedian Nikki Glaser, actress Sophie Turner, TikTok star Remi Bader, and actress Melanie Lynskey — have spoken out about their struggles with eating disorders and their journeys to treatment and recovery. First, I want to commend them for their strength and bravery. People in the spotlight don’t often open up about the truth behind the curtain, but I believe their experiences can truly make a difference. Second, as I read through these interviews, I noticed that each individual felt shame around her eating disorder, which often meant hiding her struggles for far too long.
With that thought in mind, in today’s blog post, I want to consider the impact of shame in eating disorder struggles and consider how self-compassion plays an important role in recovery.
To start, let’s take a closer look at shame.
Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” It’s no wonder that shame is neither helpful nor productive! She goes on to say, “I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”
Expanding on this idea, shame is often considered an emotion of self-comparison. It’s no surprise, then, that bodily shame is a strong predictor of eating pathology, particularly as it relates to the avoidance of weight gain. Individuals who live in a body that is not socially acceptable, whether due to self-comparisons or judgment from others, often experience current shame, which puts them at a higher risk for binge eating and other eating disorder symptoms. In fact, even the anticipation of shame can motivate an individual to make unhealthy changes simply to avoid those negative feelings.
Now, I want to share some ways to overcome shame with self-compassion.
As individuals learn to let go of the shame that often accompanies an eating disorder, it’s important to be patient and practice self-compassion. Below, I share four tips to increase this feeling, which expert Dr. Kristin Neff defines as self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Remember: Like any habit, the more your practice, the more compassionate you’ll become.
1. Accept the difficulty of the present moment.
Once you acknowledge and name your pain, you can begin to move forward with love and kindness.
2. Be prepared for things to get worse before they get better.
Take things slowly! For many people, their pain actually increases after tapping into their self-compassion, something known as a backdraft. Know that it’s okay to pull back if you begin to feel overwhelmed by past experiences.
3. Ask for support from your family, friends, or a professional.
When you experience shame, it’s tempting to isolate yourself in an attempt to hide your suffering. It’s important to recognize that everyone is vulnerable and imperfect. We all make mistakes; it’s what makes us human! Next time you want to face a challenge alone, reach out for help instead.
4. Practice mindfulness.
If you’re having a particularly hard day, ground yourself with deep breaths and a loving mantra. As you breathe in, think or speak aloud, “I am more than my eating disorder.” And as you breathe out, think or speak aloud, “I can do hard things.” Repeat four times or until you feel calm again.
I want to close with a Joan Rivers quote that I often share with my clients:
“Listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t get better. You get better.”
By overcoming your shame, seeking help, and practicing self-compassion, you too can get better.
Discover the possibility of living a meaningful life. Discover the possibility of recovery. Contact Dr. Benaaz Russell, PsyD, CEDS today to schedule an appointment!